Born this way

My lungs are in a bit of a bad situation. I have a cold which means it went strait to my lungs and I've been on a lot of meds. I always worried about getting admitted because my lungs are incredibly fragile and I'm coming up on the age that my lungs life span is. The hospitals have a lot of icky bugs in them and it's Christmas. I don't want to mess up Christmas.

I was just talking to the All Father today about my health and whether one triggered the other or something like that and our crazy reality is I was just simply born with 3 incredibly rare disease by some random chance. Blessing?? Curse?? I guess thats all on who you ask?? Controversial as it may be. My diseases and my journey has made me a better person. Yes. You got that. A better person. Tho I had these disease all my life I was even rarer in the fact I didn't know until adult hood plus the YEARS it took diagnose. I was your stereotypical wild child. But I have had symptoms all my life I just wrote them off.

But my disease has taught me so much about life. And sometimes you need people to remind you while your crying out of frustration. No you dont understand I gotta go see Santie Clause and he doesn't come to the hospital. Yes he is real. This is my life and yes at times its absolutely on a tight wire but this is my life. Yes I said that twice because its so important. And yes that is what people point out to me. And so often I have chose to stand and face it. I have chose to embrace it and I have chose to fight for it. I choose every day to get up, take my meds, drop everything I am doing to take more meds. When people tell me I couldn't do it I just smile and say its not the hardest thing ive gone thru.

I can tell you horror stories about all the things my diseases have done to me. But I can also oh my gosh this cat is obsessed with my desk. Looks like we need to have another talk. Anyways while my cat is trying to figure out how she got into that situation. She is one of the many blessings of this disease. The point is, because of my disease I have had many amazing opportunities. I see life in such a simple way. Life is such an amazing beautiful thing. We make it so much harder then it has to be. Yes people go thru hell, I go thru it. But life is not about finding this bigger purpose, your life is the bigger purpose. Your journey is the purpose. Its not made to be easy its made to be lived. Its made to be experienced. And yes the pain and the heart ache only pushes you to be a better person. That's if its what we choose. Like background says, yes its by Steven Tyler. "Every life has a measure of sorrow sometimes thats what awakens us."

At the end of the day I was simply just born this way. Nothing is going to change that. So why not embrace it and dance on.

Love y'all
~poppet

Just be

Recently I went to the doctor and got some mixed news about my body. This is a very "me" thing as always. My left and only left arm has complete osteoporosis in it. I have "10" in the forms of testing. But only in that arm. Now that arm has been giving me issues for awhile. I still have full permission to do yoga and so on. But I need to be careful. Its just one more thing to add to the list at this point.

One thing that keeps coming up as well is "I couldn't do it, your so strong" the reality is I am just an average girl giving a very unordinary life. I was put into this world with a terminal illness, that effects every part of my body. This is the only life I know. Its only weird when people point it out and tell me how different I am but they are comparing it to what they have defined as normal. Sometimes normalcy is different. Why I do all of this. Yoga, treatments, meds, homeopathic, and strict diet is because this is what I have to do to survive and you know what?? This life isn that bad at all. Yes I have my moments of tears, and weakness but I am so incredibly blessed.

There is so much that happens in my life that I do not have control of, my diet is really out of my control, and my health. But there are things I do have control of. I can control how I react, and what I do to better myself. There are times when I am doing yoga that I have to stop, catch my breath and keep pushing thru. There are times I am sitting on the floor cooking. But these are choices I make to better my life. So often you here "don't tell me its diet" well I got news for you sometimes it is. It's not ideal that I had to cut out meat, but my heart approves. It doesn't have to work as hard. This a very me thing because I dont have circulating blood volume.

Yoga keeps my blood from pulling, it comes my body physically strong, it keep air in my lungs, and it keeps my soul happy. So often we forget that our soul is a part of our physical journey. Our soul needs cared for. Yes there are a lot of things I have giving up and yes it does suck but what else do you love?? What moves your soul deep inside of you. Chase that. Don't stop your life because you feel you have been dealt a bad hand. Exchange what you need to and come back strong to win that round.

One of my favorite places to sit when my soul feels meh, is my sunroom. My Grandpa built it. The first thing I told Frigga about the sunroom was how my Grandpa would decorate it. How everything was white. I even went in his garage recently and took be back to being 5 and watching him build things. Helping him grill. He's been gone for a long time but those small moments center me and remind me that I can still do this. Why?? He had one lung and still worked endlessly in his garage because that's what he loved.

Fine what you love, do what you love.
Love Yall
~Poppet

Power or lack there of

So we lost our power for abut 15 hours. We finally got ours back as I was preparing to go to work with Wonder Woman. Her boss was very kind and said if you need come in earlier do so. Thanks Ms V!! I had being texting and calling Wonder Woman since the storm hit the night before and the power started flickering. Which meant my oxygen started screeching. Me and Rubes the cat sleep with a TV, salt lamp, and 2 fans. When I was teenager Wonder Woman worked nice and we had a 1/2 acre and soccer field behind that and Dog Dog was huge but a gentle soul. So TV was a comfort and still is.

So no power, means no meds, no oxygen (tanks I were conserving so used as needed), living off cheerios, and when it got to warm inside I sat on my front porch. And since I was soully depending on my phone to call and check on the power, I really had nothing to do all day. Well thats only half true. Before Wonder Woman even went to bed I dug out a book I was meaning to read for awhile that got pushed aside to video games. A biography on Steven Tyler. The one and only front man of Aerosmith. LOVE him. He has worked endlessly to get the Music Modernization Act pushed thru to make it a law with several musicians. And reading his book so far he just wanted to change the world and he did!! If you listen to any of his music, listen to Make My Own Sunshine by Steven Tyler not Aerosmith. Anyways.

No electricity meant we had to go old school CF. Medication for CF didn't come out until 1996. So there were no treatments it was just manual Chest PT. I took some more antibiotics just to keep anything at bay infection wise. Took some Benadryl and tried to keep my lungs active as possible, By early afternoon I ventured out side and sat in the shade with Grandma. Burnt my feet in the sun at one point but I mean I am a Vampire after all. She grew up next door to my Grandpa so I heard all the differences between the 2 families. The last time we were out of power my Grandpa was still alive the last time we went this long with out power and I remember being a teenager and watching the tree across the street up root and come back down with him. If you know me its the one by the edge of street across the drive way.

Needless to say this was a very exhausting day for me. Stroms really mess with my lungs as it is and the night before I had to take a lot of Benadryl to ease the pain and knock me out. To no lung meds, no vest, and a bit of hit. I was asleep by 830 last night and slept well thru the night with the snuggle bug. I saw Wonder Woman come in to check on me and her let Rubes into the sunroom. Oh my gosh I think Mr A was the first to see the shy little kitten after all these years of me being on home health.

But I'm off to catch up on Daria.
Love Yall
~Poppet

Side effects

Recently there was a hurricane, and though it didn't directly hit my area, it sorta went around us, we got a lot of rain. We also had evacuations in our area. This of course gave me a lung infection. I had to go into the ER and get my lungs checked out because my breathing was pretty poor. Then the side effects hit. Anxiety. I normally do not get anxiety. In fact I had to "phone a friend" and ask how do you cope?? This uncharted territory for me. 

I usually spend my time on video games. Yes I am that girl that loves videos games and I love music. I have a wonderful support system so to get anxiety I was rather concerned when it was getting the best of me. So I reached out and she confirmed "distraction." Many many people deal with this especially people who are chronically or terminally ill. Whats a good way to cope?? Why isn't this talked about more?? 

I usually do daily yoga/qi gong and mediation with daily affirmations. There are many ways to do all these with out having to stand. Especially Qi Gong. I am so blessed to have one of warrior as an instructor. I truly believe spiritual health in any form can help tremendously. "I accept." Is always in my daily affirmation. Mediation isn't always about sitting and clearing your mind. Really. Have you ever carried a full cup of coffee or anything hot and just solely focused on that and nothing else. Yep thats a clear focused mind. Closing yours and telling yourself over and over any affirmation is a form of mediation. Qi Gong is a form you can sit down and do. 

So you can't do that all day. What else can you do?? You know I LOVE video games so that is a version. I raise dragons and focus on them at times and sometimes im on MMORPG. Oh lego games. Some of these games you can join a community which the wonderful part of this generation the people you can talk to to is amazing!! I think my hair is my potatoes... oops. Anyways.

Adult coloring. I have a stack of this stuff. I will sit for hours and do this. I have a number of them from tattoos, to mandalas, to animals. Its away to focus your attention away from the constant thinking of your mind. You can also give these drawings away and brighten someones day. Theres also many other forms of art. Theres needle point, theres crocheting, sewing... my point is do something no matter how minimal. Sitting and thinking and dwelling on this stuff is the worse thing you can do to yourself. The mind can come up with some crazy stuff.

I truly believe that we have a choice to react to our disease or accept it and move on. We can not change the fact we have a disease, we cant change what has happened to us. We can choose how we react to it. When you put joy in the world it comes back to you and its a wonderful thing. "I accept, I forgive, I love." 

Love Y'all

~Poppet 

You got this.

I was just doing my morning Yoga, because I cant think of a good enough excuse not to, and todays mantras were in 3 parts. Some days my Yoga has mantras and its way to do almost a meditative yoga. And you repeat these words over and over to clear your head of any thoughts. I actually love meditative slow fluid yoga as much as I love regular yoga.

The first mantra was "everything is, as it should be." Sometimes thats hardest thing to accept. I am beyond guilty of this. If your read my past few blogs being locked in for the summer has gotten to me a lot. You start to get in the mind set "why me." I can give you there stereotypical answer of "because your strong enough to lead this life." Yeah no one wants to here that, and you just want to scream "aren't I strong enough already." Maybe were still in the process of learning to be content and present where we are. No matter the situation. I would love to be outside enjoying the summer weather but my reality is step out side in the summer. My skin burns, my heart goes up, my breath is gone, and im just over all sick. This mantra hit me. This is the way things should be for my life. Why?? I have no idea, but here I am.

Then the next part of my yoga journey came, and I'm doing variations of planks. Planks are hard. They are a full body strengthening exercise and variations of this are hard. The mantra came up "I am strong." That really helped me get thru the planks. So many times in the summer I sink into this cycle of self doubt. I question everything about my life and my disease?? I question how much more I can take. During the plank session thats what I need to hear and it really helped me repeating it over and over that I was strong and I got this. Now what if we applied this to life?? Think about your deepest hardest struggle. Now imagine if someone gently whispered to you, your strong and you got this?? Would that change how you thought of things?? Just because your friend is saying this to you doesn't mean your going thru this alone, its just simply a word of encouragement to get thru whatever it is your going thru. For me?? Getting thru the summer.

The last part was "you got this." It was the confirmation of all this. You can get thru your battle, you can get thru your journey. You strong, you are capable. Dont let the self doubt get to you. Dont let it eat you alive and break you. Sometimes thats the biggest part of the journey. Its just simply accepting where you are in life, embracing it, and reminding your self that you are right where you need to be, you are strong enough to get thru all this, and you can handle whatever life throws at you.

Love Yall
~Poppet

Life

This summer has been spent exhausted and sometimes even on Skype crying to Spider Maker. By this I mean literally crying because I am just over whelmed and exhausted where this disease has taking. Its summer so my lungs aren't great. My heart rate is up, my PFs are down, I havent had the chance to see the All Father since June and I've barely gotten out of the house. Its also a struggle to 10 minutes of yoga. So you could say the exhaustion and frustration got to me a bit. When they ask me whats wrong the answer is simply "nothing im fine." 

Which there is some truth to that. Nothing really is wrong, I truly am fine. But heres the thing. Exhaustion gets the best of me. And I become frustrated, a season I use to love is simply taking away from. No pools, no puppy sitting, no tattoos, just simply me existing in the house while the world goes on around. Its not ideal but it is my life. So I do my best to stay busy. Which is usually my game. (I just got my legendary wings). Theres nothing more terrifying then stepping out your house and feeling dizzy and short of breathe because its so hot and humid you cant get a proper breath in. Doing yoga, in certain its short quick breaths over and over instead of fluid in and out serene breathes. And it absolutely gets terrifying. Then the worse case scenario thoughts pop into your head. You start to panic and you really have to get out of your head to calm down and focus. 

I use to tell people Im just and ordinary girl leading and ordinary life. But my life isn't so ordinary anymore. Things can be a struggle. Its not what people want to here but its my reality. I spent most of my day in bad because I was just so exhausted from picking up Rubes the cats anxiety meds. My life is not ordinary and some days its just so hard to cope. Sometimes life gets the best of me. But you know what, life gets the best of us all. This isn't a me thing. Its a life thing. If it wasn't CF it would be something else. 

I truly believe we are here on this planet to learn something. As far as what, well thats are own personal story. Maybe mine is to love and accept inspite of the impossible odds set against me?? Maybe its to find kindness and compassion in a place where people wouldn't hold it against me if I was just angry at life. Maybe its none of those. Life is not meant to break you, even though sometimes we all feel like it is. Life is meant to be loved and enjoyed. Its meant for you to love so deeply and passionately no one can question it. We all go thru some trial and tribulations and a lot of the times its to learn. 

I am not saying you cant be angry, sad, or defeated. How else do we learn?? In order to grow we have to be uncomfortable, we have to find those boundaries and accept them and not dwell on them. I have felt all these emotions and still do. I have cried several times this past week out of pure frustration. That is ok. I will cry again out of frustration to. My life is not what people consider ideal, this is all I know. And thats ok, they dont have to. But those who love me, inspite of all this, well their pretty awesome and I appreciate them more then you'll ever know. 

Face each day with love and kindness. And to the old man who let me cross the street today. Thank you. You are the only want to stop while I stood in the heat to cross street. You helped this little sick girl out. 

Love Yall

~Poppet 

Saline and Summer

While I am waiting for an event to start, I figured I'd up date this because I've been pretty MIA recently. Ive been grinding out my game to get legendaries. I ordered a plush from the game and gave Wonder Woman the sacred and blessed duty of keeping him safe and loved. I love those silly things. Their literally a cactus that shoot spikes, and have the typical cheshire sharp tooth grin.

I knew this festival was coming, it is PVP season even though I let that slide a little bit for the festival and leveling characters but going into this week I wasn't sure where id be. Home or the hospital. I saw Superman recently and he put me on 4 liters of fluid and it was a bit difficult to get that at home. We finally got this worked out and was a popsicle all week. Freezing cold wrapped in blankets whining thru the week. I made it work and I got to stay home. Also in the midst of all this I got to meet my twin!! I have no idea what her super hero name will be yet. I stopped by on the way home. One of the girls that knows me told me how well and healthy I was looking after I got all this news that were looking at an admit if we cant get my IVs sorted at home. My PFs are low and still not great, but my heart rate is down again.

My resting heart rate was about 120. Not sure what is is now as I am out of triple A batteries but I dont feel my heart pounding out of my chest. So since resting was that high, when I was upright or talking it was hitting a bit higher then that. Which a bit unnerving and the side effects of all this is a bit unnerving. Also my lungs were overly congested and dehydrated themselves (why I hate summer). So it looks like I am in the house for the rest of the summer. Its just to risky to go outside it seems like.

I am not sure what the rest of the summer looks like as of now but I must get to this event of mine.

Love Yall
~Poppet 

Yoga

As you saw in the last blog summer is here and it brings its own struggles. It all has recently caught up with me. I have been getting increasingly short of breath to the point after I went food shopping with Wonder Woman I literally sat on the floor to catch my breath. Its not fun. That was sorta the kick off the entire weekend. I was talking to my friend and my breathe was so short, I was exhausted, and I went to get Wonder Woman. I couldn't even carry a pitcher I was so short of breath. So we started antibiotics. They seem to help for now. Which all this made me think of the time I was helping someone on the game I play. Its one of those you can play with a bunch of people all over the world. He told me I had such a positive attitude cause I do yoga every day and I swear that I am just an average and he kept telling me over and over good for me for being positive and wouldn't accept my wonderful life. I did stop talking to him.

But heres the things. If anyone else would get up and do yoga or exercise in general they just be an average person trying to stay healthy. But for me?? A person battling a terminal illness im a positive thinker. Why is it so different for me?? Because im ill?? Because we have such a mindset that someone who lives with such a devastating illness is nothing more then that?? This has clearly stuck with me and I stopped trying to change his mind. And as summer has start to roll in and the struggle to do things has come along with its made me wonder. Am I just being positive?? The answer is no.

I am doing what I need to do for my health. I am taking control of my life and doing what I need to do to be healthy. I am trying to break this barrier that because I am ill doesn't mean I am so poor person thats been dealt a bad hand in life. We need to empower people who are chronically to live and not just exist. What is life if we just exist?? Why aren't more people empowering us and learning from us how truly beautiful life is if we just slow down to experience it?? Yes our lives our extremely different from abled bodied people. Some of us our soul job is to take care of our bodies. It does make us different but it doesn't make us any less then some one else. I have always said in this blog my CF and POTS is just my something extra in life like we all have. Mine is just more evident as this stage.

Why did yoga start all this thinking?? You see I love yoga, I always have. I use to do yoga before I went to work. I use to do pilates as well. I was talking to Wonder Woman recently about my love for yoga and she pointed out its something I have always loved. Even before I got sick. So why should I stray away even though im connected to all these tubes. Then Z one of my long time friends treated me as the same girl who need 13 years ago. He was curios about the art it wasn't "aren't you to sick for that??" it was yes!! Id love to get into it. And those are the people to surround yourself with. The people who love you and support you for you not your illness.

Love Y'all
~Poppet 

Summer

Summer has hit, I have always struggled with summer. Even as a little girl we'd have to limit my time outside in order for me to stay stable. My face would flush, id get super dizzy and we'd have to get me into the cold AC asap. It got to the point if I was allowed outside it have to be in a pool. Now a days we have Doxi and Steroids to add to the mix. Which means my skin burns incredibly easily. The day before I turned 31 the All Father took me to the beach with Frigga and theres a pic of me on the beach in long sleeves and it came down to my feet and I kept my hair down that day to.

Because of these meds I can sit in the sunroom and my skin will start to burn which is so odd. Im reaching out to fellow CFers and going help?? How do you cope?? More so how do you balance the protecting your skin and staying cool at the same time. Sunscreen is not the answer. I know sporting stores sell these long sleeve summer shirts that help keep you cool which I might just need to invest in.

Then there the fact my body depletes salt. Which I mean I take a lot of salt, run my fluids, and eat salty snacks. But its still a concerns that must be looked out for. There could be a sudden drop in blood pressure, your blood counts can get low, and you almost have to take replacements. With CF theres elevated salt in your sweat. POTS also depletes salt, so I sorta stay in the house all summer.

Many people are shocked this is my worse season. But the reality is I am not just fighting my disease but now I am fighting the elements. Do I have my skin protected?? Am I cool enough?? Did I take enough salt?? Do I have enough water?? Did I pack a bag of saline?? This is when I catch up on reading because I am trapped inside so to speak. I do not know how to handle the out doors but I know how to handle coping with being stuck inside all the time.

Video games, reading, and cooking. I cook a lot. Oh gosh I got a phone call from Frigga earlier this week asking if I wanted fresh garden veggies. YES!! I made this beautiful rainbow tomato pasta, with fresh basil, and jalapeños. This my own recipe. Its not even a tomato sauce its just cooked fresh tomatoes. She brought me this beautiful white watermelon. Which is not as sweet but very refreshing. OK back to summer. Actually that is a trick for me to stay hydrated. Fresh summer melons.

Summer is harsh, especially down here in the south. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just stay inside and cope with the not ideal. Some times having a disease is choosing whats best for our bodies even if our mind is fighting to do the opposite. Yesterday I had to do this myself. I just wasn't feeling good and had to choose my body over my game that I was steadily working on. I got so sick that I had to pause everything and lay down. Which I guess the point of all this is. Remember to listen to your body. Remember to take care of yourself. You have one life and one body. Also its cooler at night when the sun isn't trying to burn your beaitufil skin!! The ocean is so peaceful at night to!!

But I must go I have a Rubes who is scared of a vacuum and needs an escort to the sunroom.
Love Yall
~Poppet 

Birthday

Tomorrow I turn 31. I wasn't even supposed to see 28 but I refuse to stop fighting, I refuse to quit pushing to stay off transplant list and keep my own lungs even though some days are super tough. Why?? Because of days like today.

This morning I woke up early, got coffee going, did my treatments, and started my morning routine, today was the day Frigga and the All Father were taking me to the beach. I had the options of two different places and I chose the place I first got to spend the day with Frigga. Maybe its because it was a wonderful memory or maybe it was because I need the refresh on my soul. You see the place I went which is by the ocean is a spiritual center. Its not like formed religion. We went stopped by the front desk and the one person saw my chest and asked if I had surgery I smiled and explained no no this is my IV and I have cystic fibrosis and she immedately wanted to help. She talked to us, and I explained how Frigga had helped me over the past couple of years with different homeopathic things. So we went upstairs to meditate. Meditation is one of the things I have learned to center my self and spirit. After a mediation with 2 of my favorite people over looking over the ocean. We went to the beach.

I put my feet in salty water while I breathe in the salty air to break up the junk in my lungs. I chased a crab the size of my hand and put and itsy bitsy shell in my bag. I breathe and coughed and I got re center my soul. This past year hasn't been easy, in fact the last couple of months I would like at the All Father and asked for the ocean to reset my soul. I needed to breathe in the ocean where my heart belongs, where my soul belongs, and just reset myself. They got a pic of the moment the cold ocean water hit my feet. I got to breathe in all this ocean air and I was just at peace. That moment was peaceful and I was with people I loved.

After that we googled and googled and found a safe place to eat. It was this safe sweet little place and I got to eat this beautifully plated salad and they were wonderful with my food allergies and they were all so so kind. I was so appreciative of every one that surrounded. The sweet lady who talked to the kitchen, and the people who altered there meal to eat with me. That is love and thats why I fight for this life. Because of days like today,

Be present and just love.

Love Yall
~Poppet 

What you think, you create

Guilt, it comes a lot when dealing with a chronic illness, it can be quite an overwhelming feeling. It can come a lot when your dealing with this weird world. You feel like your a burden to those you love. But what if for a minute we just took a moment to step back and just say "I accept that I am feeling this but I choose gratitude."

A lot has hit at once, Rubes' granuloma is back so we need to get her treated, my birthday is coming up, and with the rain my lungs are in a very bad spot where I am spending a lot of time just trying to catch my breath. I take all these meds that make me quite emotional and my poor friend who talks to me the most gets the blunt end of it. The All Father and Frigga my spiritual guides thru this life always remind me, what we think we create. Sometimes it means just simply accepting that you feel this negative emotion but not act on it. Its so easy to just let those feelings eat you up and just break down but its a whole different world to accept your emotions and step back. For me its taking a deep breath and put my head in my blanket and just letting go. And the reminding myself that I have a choice.

The amount of energy and support in many different ways that goes into keeping someone with a terrible illness a live can make you feel like a burden. We've all been there, and its OK to cry and express this. After that take a moment to say what you are thankful for. Though its different for all of us, I can easily say I am thankful for my incredible support team and the sacrifices they CHOOSE to make to see me live the life I want. You see they also have a choice in this. They make a choice to stand by us even though it could be the hardest thing they ever did but their love surpass that. They love us enough to carry that weight, and thats such a blessing to have someone love you enough to take on that roll.

Frigga one day introduced me to Mala Bracelets and mantras. They are a form of meditation and we can speak these words into each bead (108) and that energy you create is in those beads, and its such a good reminder every time you wear it that you spoke those words. My persoanlly is "I love. I accept, I forgive. I am present." Those for words truly help me when me emotions (steroids) get the best of me.

Love has centered me many times over, whether its a simple text, or someonebringing me coffee in bed so I can have a moment before I start the rough morning of IVs and clearing the lungs. I accept that this is the life I was giving, I accept that I was giving these people to guide me, I accept the emotions that come when I least expect it and its truly ok to feel that way. I forgive. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. I forgive myself for beating me up and tearing me down, I forgive people who dont understand, I forgive moments of frustration. And I am present. I am alive, I am breathing, and whatever I am doing, wherever I am at, who ever I am with, I am present in that moment.  The phone can wait, technology can wait and that current moment is where I need to be.

Many times over this has helped center me and remind that guilt is a very real emotion that can come up, I have the choice to act on it. Yes sometimes I do, but then I remind myself I have such a beautiful and wonderful life. I am so loved, and I love back. Thats truly makes this life worth it.

Love Y'all
~Poppet 

Food Allergy Awareness Week

Two post back to back?? What is this?? Well I have no idea what my week is going to look like so I figured I'd just go ahead and post this.

On top of everything else I deal with, food allergies is just one of the minor things, because this is something I typically have control of. On top of that I am a Chef and I am fully in control of what I cook but this does not mean accidents do not happen, and an accident almost took my life. I have no idea what happened that day to cause such a severe reaction but I remember a few things of that night. Like Wonder Woman crying in a corner because she though that was the last night with me.

Whats horrid about all this is that moment could have been prevented. That reaction happened in my house. It happened with my pots and pan. And I have eaten the entire meal since. Something touched my cooking equipment. Cross Contamination is a very serious thing with in the community and its something thats over looked. It happened in my own home. This is when my OCD got bad. We redid my entire kitchen (im not mad at this I now have a Caphlon set). Im very selective of who touches my food, who works with my food, and who I eat out with. Why?? I actually had a barista look at my weight and give me a mocha because she though I truly wanted that mocha over what I had ordered. This was on a mothers day as well. Can y'all take a moment to realize what Wonder Woman goes thru?? Yes a prayer for her cause lord knows she needs it. I have the mind set of nothing can stop me this is my life and all the things that have tried to kill me??

Food Allergies are just a minor part of my life, but they can kill me quicker then my CF. I have spent count less hours advocating for myself and the food allergy community, on a medical level and a personal level. I taught nurse students the importance of all this and explain the day I almost died in detail to them so they truly understand how this affects people. I also had a Chef come to me in the ICU and just throw down his credentials and its like really?? Im a Chef to now what are we gonna do to fix this situation?? I dont ever remember anything happening about all this but my soul goal in life is to make hospitals a safe place for people with food allergies because I assure you it is not. If you read my last post already one of the many reasons I want new lungs.

Most allergic reaction are preventable, and a lot of the times people die because we are hesitant to react. Whether its denial or lack of knowledge. Both can be fixed ands its up to us to fix it. If you so much as suspect your reacting to something do not hesitate to treat it. Do not hesitate to go in. Advocate for your friends, be a voice when they are quiet and shy. Explain in detail what the allergies are, and if you ever second guess if your food is safe, do not eat it. Your life matters, you matter. Always take it seriously when someone says they have a food allergy, do not try to trigger it. You can take someones life.

Its been a week of celebrating our nurses, bringing awareness to CF, and food allergies. Go a hug a nurse and thank for the selfless act of love they give to us.

Love Yall
~Poppet 

:-)

Its Cystic Fibrosis awareness month, and this disease dominates my life. I mean its to the point I get on Skype and no one thinks twice about the coughing and clearing until it gets into full on coughing fits. Its also just doing neb treatments mid games. Yes I play a lot of video games, its an escape from the seriousness of my life.

What no one ever really see's is the contest fight to stay out of the hospital, the hours of treatments and ll the chest PT that comes with this not to mention a lot of pills. My lungs are not in a great place at we our constantly monitoring them. Superman predicted 32 as the age my lungs will need swapped out and sadly we are right on track. No one ever wants to here that but this is just part of my reality. Though I dont let this stop me, I refuse to allow that age to be a deadline of sorts. It was almost as if I was accepting a challenge to prove him wrong. Not long after I was told this and the topic of transplant came up, a good friend of the families told me, when you come to this road make sure your reason to live with is not so your family does not feel loss, dont do this for your family. Find a reason to do it for you.

So my journey started, a journey of self love, and what I am truly fighting for. Some days its trivial. Like um its ranked season I cant be in the hospital. To I want change. I go in to the hospital and met with "cant your parents bring you something to eat your diet is complicated." I get treated as if I know nothing about my disease and my life until Wonder Woman pops in and there like oh!! Now we get it. I want to be a published Chef (working on this) and I want fully master yoga and Qi Gong. I want this to be allowed in hospitals. I want people to understand the importance of meditation, and how all this has helped me improve my health.

Every single morning you will find me with my oxygen on in the sunroom doing yoga, or well fighting a Rubes for my yoga mat so I can do yoga. You see me cooking dinner practicing Qi Gong which helps me focus on my breathing. You see Cystic Fibrosis isn't just I need to clear my lungs. Its I need to get oxygen in them, I need to eat a healthy high calorie low fat meal, I need to keep my body strong and healthy so when the time comes I can accept my new lungs into my life. Yes most days I cant stop coughing but I still try. I will never allow CF to be a reason I stop. Its just not a good enough excuse to put my life on pause. Its the reason I keep pushing forward. Its the reason I am who I am.

While I am working on keeping my body at top shape, I also need to keep my mind clear and focused. Some days its hard. You see my past post with the tears because I do not always feel strong. But its absolutely OK to cry, as long as your not giving up. This disease can take a toll, it can be a heart breaking experience but its also a blessing is disguise. It has taught me so much about life, and how precious time is. It tough me that sometimes the best thing you can do is lay on your yoga mat with a kitten and just love her. Be present, be open, and just love. Life is way to short for anything else.

Love Y'all
~Poppet

Laser

So this week as I stated in the last post, I was lent a laser that my friend swears by (I am leaving her anonymous because I do not know how much she wants me to put out there)  but everything I drink is lasered, and most food and meds I take are lasered to. And though I have plaid with one of these before and new going in what they could do I didn't expect this to be so powerful.

I followed her directions of use with and then I got put on a few harsh medications. Some that leave my exhausted and lying in bed unable to move from share side effects, let alone the awful side effects of prednisone. Though it has gotten the best of me, and I have been asked several times if im ok because im just trying to keep it together this round hasn't been all that bad. I say this knowing all this could lead to an admittance if my PFs dont budge.

So as I sit here not feeling as bad as I should, and my strong team behind me, as we are trying to figure out if we have, damage, swelling, or infection. I am working incredibly hard to stay home for the most trivial reasons. I also have a tattoo to care for, so I began the journey of lasering everything. Not only did I spill it everywhere I began to notice a positive difference in how my body is handling this round of stress.

My tattoo is still in the ouchie dont touch it healing stage, still a bit swelled, my pants dont fit (is this what normal people feel like??) and its already starting to peel which is amazing, very few tattoos have I ever had heal this fast, I do not have the crippling side effects of doxi, a lot of the issues with my steroids aren't terrible, and I really just dont feel all that sick. But here I am fighting numbers and being defined by them, which I have a feeling thats what life is about. Numbers.

Also Rubes the Cat has been getting a bit of treatment with the laser to, not as much as me, but her anxiety seems to be ok and her hair is growing back in. If you dont know she ripped out all of her hair when I got an iron infusion because I was sitting here on my bed fighting for air in my lungs. So all in all a good improvement.

Just a quick laser update for now,
Love Y'all
~Poppet 

Lungs

Someone in this house has been sick, and I called Superman who never got the message so I figured eh didn't need the meds, turns out he didn't get the message and I had a scheduled appointment anyways so I just waited to see him and even got my tattoo in a location my pants wouldn't bother it, thinking I was prepared. Then I got hit with my very harsh reality. Just because I what I consider OK, doesn't mean I am.

I felt well enough to get my tattoo, I even made plans for this weekend, but the reality living with this disease is my life isn't always what it seems. My numbers are bad, by bad means I have 2 more days to feel better or well for my numbers to improve and they havent budged, everything is low, my oxygen is on four, and im fighting to stay home. And at this point I am not sure if it'll happen, im an exhausted mess, I am on a ton of meds, and I am doing homeopathic work as well. Thats rights one does not out way the other, they both have an equal purpose in my life.

You guessed it my reality is I have a lung infection, my reality is its really hard to fight off this infection because of my immune system and alls I want to do is sit and cry, just stare at the screen and cry, but thats not a good option either. Its just so frustrating to know that I feel ok but the reality is deep inside of my body theres a war raging in my lungs and they are currently winning. I cant have this be my last major infection. I cant have this be my "we need new lungs" I just need everything to work out. But the reality all of this is out of my control. I am doing everything I need to be and should be doing. Thats all I can do.

I often will tell you CF isn't the worse thing that can happen to me, and I truly believe that, its people who dont listen to me, and dont act that are the worse thing. No I am not blaming this on anyone, its simply my body that can't fight off infection. Something as little as someone having a cold in the same proximity as me can cause all of this. What someones body can fight off mine can't. This is just the body I was giving. As much as we fight to keep my lungs under control, the progression of my disease is going to happen. No one wants to hear that but thats the unfortunate reality of my life. So we embrace it, we accept it, and we make the best of what we can.

But I guess its time for more coffee and to catch up on this Anime
Love Y'all
~Poppet 

Organ Donation

Its organ donation awareness month, and this is a subject very close to my heart for many reasons. I am the daughter of a transplant nurse. So growing up it was just something you did. Theres no "what?? people do that??" It was "we dont need organs in heaven someone her can keep them." At that age I was to young to comprehend what all this meant. I just new when you died someone else got your organs. As I gotten older, got diagnose with CF, and found out my harsh reality that it became so apparent why those magnetic were on our fridge. Someone was fighting to hold long enough to get that miracle of a second chance at life. Then I came to realize what a taboo subject this way.

People dont openly talk about death, we are so ready to praise the fact that someone is born but when it comes to the latter we are supposed to quiet about it. Leave it be. The its a sad heart wrenching subject its still very real and we need to express our concerns now. Does your family know you want to be one?? Do they know you are one?? Do you know myth vs facts?? Do you know why that little heart is on your drivers license??

When I was 27/28 we thought this it, we need to get listed, but we got a new meds and we bounced me back with a life expectancy of of 32. Based on my numbers thats would be limit my lungs could handle. We might need to talk about this all over again. Then I did what I needed to do, I got a living will, and power to attorney, and got things sorted. Wonder Woman asked if there was anything I wanted, I kinda look at her and was like I want to meet Steven Tyler, I have been in love with this man before I even know who Aerosmith was (a movie I saw them in) though that was an impossible feet for her, I told her I wanted a sleeve and we set to work, I knocked out my sleeve, I got a part lower arm one, and got tattooed with my BFF. As my lungs are steadily going down hill I asked for one last trip, thats all.

You see growing up with a nurse such as a transplant one, she never let me believe there was always tomorrow to get things done. We are in the here and the now. Thats it. We embrace today, we strive for things we want. As my lungs grow weaker and we are needing more PFTs the thought of what I want is so much more simple. I want to live. I want to survive this life and change this world like I always said I was going to do. Do I want to see the world?? Of course. But what I want more then anything is to live.

If more people were organ donors, if organ donors were just a common thing, we might just be able to see more people live. Its not a cure, its not even a fitx, its not a guarantee, but its chance that I can have a life. Its a chance that I can be a full time pup sitter for the best All Father in the entire world and I can travel and see who I want to and be with who I want to.

So often I ask, if it was your loved one struggling to fight off end stage disease, and watch them struggle, what would you do?? Would you be a donor?? Would you fight for them?? Would you spread awareness?? Thats we do, and I promised poison Ivey that she wouldn't live life with out me and thats something I work daily at. Surviving. Not living just surviving.

Please sign up to be a donor, its very simple. You can do it thru the DMV, and im sure donatelife.org has some information to.

Love Yall
~Poppet 

Love your life.

I just got up and made some coffee after resting for a bit waiting for some Zofran to kick in. Some days this is just my reality. Its not ideal, I need to get some things done and in bed half asleep is where I was. I also had a migraine early this week that also left me in bed snuggled up. Tho my life isn't always ideal but this is my life.

I almost never tell people I have Cystic Fibrosis. The reason is as soon as you tell someone you have a disease that is as severe as this one you get pity, you get sorrow, and its a hot topic for conversation. They are so focused on CF and oh my gosh your life is "crap." They never stop to listen that my life is actually pretty amazing. You dress this is issue and its "stay positive it helps." And im left rolling my eyes in frustration because they are so focused on I do not have what society deems an acceptable life or my life is just different. Which it is. But theres a difference between being positive and just accepting your life for what it is.

Being positive is more along the lines of texting the All Father like I did the other morning a pic of Rubes under my chin asleep, I explained I have been battling a migraine. I got up did meds, tried to function, gave in to my pain, and laid down. Then I told you know it wasn't that bad of a morning. I was laying in bed, got a small nap, and my cat saw I was in pain and purred under my chin to make me feel better. Positivity is focusing on the good like a snuggle from your favorite.

Telling a person that they our being positive because they are so set on the fact that your life isn't ideal, or societies base of norm. You automatically have a bad life. 90% of the time this how the convo goes. According to society I need to start a family, have a career, and a social life. I need to not be sick, not have to spend my days doing meds to function. So they see this is bad. Sometimes I think people are conditioned to see my life as bad. Im on oxygen, Im in pain, I take a lot of meds, and hours of my life is spent on keeping these lungs in order. But that does not make my life bad. I have such a wonderful life.

I have a career, I have friends that love me, I have my family, I puppy sit, I do yoga, Im involved with a community, and I have a passion in life I get to follow. How amazing is that?? Yes I do have a terminal illness, yes I do spend a lot of time working on these lungs, but that does not change the fact that I have been blessed which a strong team of warriors. I have been blessed to choose and follow a career. I am blessed because I love and am loved.

Are there days I break down and cry because I am just frustrated with none but bad news?? Yes!! Read the past few blogs I have posted. They are filled with sorrow and tears because I need to let it out because even I need a moment to grieve for what I have lost to my disease. But in all reality I have gained so much more. I see life thru eyes most people will never get to see. I get to see the true beauty that life has to offer and know how precious and beautiful life can be. I dont have this idea that I am gonna grow old and what is my life gonna look like. I have the hear and the now and do whatever I can to make the most of it.

If I can leave with anything from all this, do not assume someones life is bad because its not what society deems as ideal. Live for each and every day, get and believe that you have the power to make this day beautiful. Take a deep breath and smile and know that one bad things can not and does not determine how your life will end up. I am so blessed to have a guide thru life that teaches me sometimes the best thing you can do is be in that moment. Put the phone down, shut your lap top, and interact with those around you. Look past their desease and look at the soul. As Frigga says to me :I see past the makeup, I see your soul."

Love Yall
~Poppet 

Rare Disease day

Yesterday was rare disease awareness day, which I live with daily. Cystic Fibrosis has taking up so much of my life. And as my lungs slowly start to go down hill, I spent a lot of yesterday doing well a video game I need a million more XP for something... Thats just a side perk of CF.

What you dont see and what my poor friend had to listen to this morning is the hacking and coughing after mucolytics, I got on game right after treatment this morning which is super rare because every time I did something obnoxious with my tonics I would laugh or make sound effects and thinned mucus would move. Of course when I got on this morning I said hey just did my meds prepare the coughing and the wheezing. And boy did I cough and wheeze. And I ate a lot of calories and was trying to come up with more ways to get a high cal count in. And then I ate some more to eat some more to do some Yoga to drain my lungs.

POTS is also kinda rare though there is some debate if its truly rare or rarely diagnosed and this is the easy disease to me, run some saline, take my meds and im good. But what you dont see?? Dressing changes, appointments, the placements, and the tons of supplies that I have shoved in every corner. Literally every corners. The loads and loads of salt I eat and the mast cell disease to go with it?? Benadryl. Lots and lots of Benadryl. The hives, the blisters, the lack of food I can actually eat, the lack of meds I can actually take and because of both of these disease the dysrhymias.

I also have a couple anemias which isn't terrible but the med side effects are, and my lung function is so so so poor my cat is literally ripping her fur out. Because she is so use to me lungs going down hill she knows what it ultimately leads to. Im not to sure how rare these are I never actually looked .

I also have a form of IGG deficiency that I was born with. 1 in 50,000 people have this disease and why is this so bad?? Because I cant fight off infections which sucks because not only do I have CF I have high IGE levels so I cant properly fight off allergic reactions either.

My life is a complex mess, what can go wrong will go wrong, and we embrace every step it leads us. We embrace life with open arms and we never take a single moment for granted.

Love Y'all
~Poppet 

Life

Yesterday we got an iron transfusion. Though I was so nervous and my by the time I officially got the infusion I had 50 mg of Benadryl in me plus Zofran we got it started. It literally looked like she was pushing tar into my heart. For those you who don't know I have a central catheter and the line goes strait into my heart. I felt OKish at first a little feverish at the most so I thought hey I am gonna be ok. We even stopped to get coffee, picked up meds and home we went. Then it hit. I couldn't breathe.

It wasn't my normal CF can't breathe this was different this was my taking frequent short breaths repeatedly and Wonder Woman was kind enough to buy me the Hunger Games serious on iTunes so I just laid down to watch that. At this point I had taking more Benadryl and my body tried to sleep. My lungs were so desperate fro air in them I kept waking up. So I finally got up to express my concerns and it hit me hard. I was talking between breaths, and I could barely make it down the hall way. But I did, Wonder Woman took one look at me and I didn't even need to speak she already knew. I just found a Wonder Woman quote "I fight for those who can't fight for them selves" and yep thats her. She sent me back to bed, and I was in and out of sleep for a bit until right before 7 I asked for dinner and meds so I could just go to bed. Yeah that kind of bad. I was out most of the night and Rubes laid next to me protect me all night. She does that when I am feeling sick. I turned on twiggy our new fan. Or well mine I guess you would say. Its one of those Dyson ones that purifies the air because my lungs break at any stress recently.

After sleeping for well over 12 hours, I got up this morning reluctantly because I am still exhausted, and my breathing is still short, to do morning meds. Annnd my vest is reading error, it wont do anything but read error. I am coughing and clearing lots of stuff from my nebs alone and new I needed chest PT badly. So I texted my parents because one is never enough. I had already looked for all the information for the vest and such to find out they are a few hours behind me. Once I finally got in touch with them it turns out the machine is just broke. At this point I have no idea what to do, I need clear my lungs, I just have a flutter, and Wonder Woman is at work. My exhaustion is very real at this point and im just ready for a proper lung clear and a break. Breaks don't come frequently here at all. Its always one thing after another.

I wish I had a positive thing to leave you with but this is my reality some days. Its just chaos, and on top of all this because of my iron I am barely eating I went to cook and am to short of breath to do so. Oh heres your positive, the sweet pup I pup sit for came by to see my for a few minutes today. And his excitement translated to a full on butt shake. Oh how I love that puppy who so isn't a pup anymore lol.

Love Y'all!!
~Popppet 

Tears and Breakdowns

Theres been a lot going on and it doesn't stop any time soon, at all. I need to get my iron infusion, a lot of my levels are low, my lungs are poor, and im just exhausted. Then the guilt just eats away at you little by little. I know I am the reason for many of tears and the things that stick with you are awful. Seeing the one person who you depend on turn their back and just cry so you cant see them while your fighting for your next breath will break even the strongest person.

Since Christmas, we had procedure that took me out for a week and im still healing from, we had an emergency scan done, now we need iron, my PFs are super low and we need PFTs and its getting to the point we can not fight off the inevitable. We might need to start our journey. The one that everyone wants to embrace but at the exact same time we one to push off. Remember the last post when I said I am human to?? Well today I broke.

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore so after just staring at the screen and storming off and my friend knowing im just not ok I just broke. I right this with watery eyes. Im not the strong person people think I am. I am terrified of whats to come. My lungs are so weak, my levels are low, and I see the sadness I leave in peoples eyes and I break. You hear " you have one more infection left in your lungs" and you smile and say "CF messed with the wrong girl." You hear "have you gotten a blood transfusion your levels are quite low we need to get you iron soon." You smile and say we got this. And then your alone and everything adds up and you break.

How much can one person take?? Who knows. But how much can a person who is chronically ill take?? Hell of a lot that people simply dont understand. You say oh its just some iron. I have a flash back of the last infusion where my face swelled and I am took sick to move. I smile and say "go ahead and schedule it." I assure people all the time that im ok and I got it. But what about when I dont?? What about the times I feel weak and broken?? The guilt builds and you ask "what have I done to my family."

This is when I need someone to be strong for me. This is when I need someone to remind me that I can indeed do this and come out the other side. My reality is harsh. My life expectancy is 32. Im 30, we need to do PFTs and regroup. So today I broke. Today I cried while staring at a game screen talking to one of my favorite people. Who just listened to me cry while I explained all this in greater detail. Then the sweet poison ivy showed me a video of a fellow CFer taking her first breath with her new lungs and reminded me why I fought so hard. Today has been filled with tears, lots of them, and this journey is gonna get much harder from here and I am so incredibly thankful for the people who stand by because they love the girl behind the disease.

Love Yall
~Poppet 

Tears and Kitty Hugs

My lungs aren't doing great. Its what no one wants to hear, its what no one wants to face, but here I am. My lungs aren't great. I just hugged Rubes crying. while venting to Wonder Woman, after I had to frantically grab a bunch of meds with out letting my team down. Dont ask thats just how my brain works. I was slowly losing my breath, I was dizzy, and I could not get enough air into my lungs. I wanted to finish my game but I needed meds. So grabbing as frantically as I could to finish and close out my game. For a few hours of me working on my lungs.

This is a reality. This is my reality. My peak flows are low, im oxygen is up, and im just exhausted. This is not fair but its a reality I have to accept. What if my lungs are just getting to that point?? What if we need to start that process?? And my heart just breaks. What is this doing to family?? What about everything I want to do with my life?? And yet I just cry and hug Rubes the Cat cry into her fur and make my lungs worse but cleanse my soul.

This isn't an ideal life but this is my life, and somehow I have to make the best of it and thats what I try to do. I have goals and aspirations in m life, and as I speak between breaths, eat between breaths, I close my eyes and remember that just the day before while getting ready I told a complete stranger on the other side of the phone "I have an amazing life please don't be sorry." Why?? Because I do, but I am human and sometimes my reality for that moment just sucks. The reality of your lungs slowly going down hill and gasping for air is frighting, and the look of worry and sadness on your loved ones face just rips you to pieces. This is just a part of my life. Every life has tears and joys this is just mine.

My reality is harsh. Some of my wants are so trivial. Like working for a bow that shoots unicorns and rainbows (I am so not joking). While making the person who helps me do all this question every ounce of my sanity with the things I do. Me elaborate makeup and need for more is trivial and the most beautiful knife I ever seen that I must have is trivial. But what isn't trivial is my deep will to live and makes changes with in my community. I want to live to make food allergies just a normal thing with in hospital and not a nurse going "can some one just bring you food." I want to bring humanization back to being a patient. I am not just the girl with CF. I am not the girl with POTS. I am a soul that wants to be home rocking a cat in my arms because oh how cute she is. I am soul that loves to feed people. But to them I am just CF, I am just POTS. I am not me. I want to take away the stigma of being disabled. I want to change the world. And I am going to. I am going to change this world. I am going to survive this life in some way.

Today?? I cry, squeeze the cat, and take a deep breath... Not take deep breath cause well I can't, but focus on my breath and close my eyes and center myself. Remind my self why I fought so hard to get to this life. Why I fought to get to this moment, and then from there go back to fighting with everything in me.

You only have one life, and its up to you to make the best of what ever situation you were dealt.

Love Y'all
~Poppet

Small Update

Sorry this thing hasn't been getting updated regularly there hasn't been a lot going on besides recovery and doting over a cat that has been on freaking steroids. I am itching to get over to the All Fathers for a change of scenery but no one is truly comfortable with me driving yet. I got my stitches or sutures removed yesterday and though I am glad we our down to steristrips it was very painful yesterday and only to about 12 round of PvP in yesterday. 

Emotionally and mentally I am fully ready to get back into yoga but I am not so sure I can physically do it yet. I have been doing some minor movements to keep my body stretched and strong but to do a full on work out just seems a bit daunting. I might just do some qi gong. Low stress and no impact on the body just center my zen and not pretzel myself. That will also start slowly stretching my muscles. 

My peak flows have drastically dropped over the last couple weeks for many many reasons. One I couldn't do full on chest PT for a couple days, and the other was in order to get my procedure done because no one was comfortable with local anesthesia they get me 2 full doses of diladid which I was truly thankful for to get me thru everything it took a good 2 days to even take in a full breath which was just awful, then I missed 2 full days of Chest PT, and I had to slowly work my PT up back to normal. I was doing my flutter and using my massage setting on my bed to help out, it just wasn't what needed and then the sudden stop of Yoga it just all hit hard. I also had to skip a full chest PT last night to. My lung just are not great at the moment. 

As for what we are going to do with my lungs, well from I gathered the next step is PFTs and go from there. I was told my lungs have one major infection left and thats not what anyone wants to here. We all know transplant is inevitable. We all know I get frequent lung infections, and now add on top of some form of congenital IGG deficiency (theres a huge name for this) and we are working on that as well.

With all the bad thats going on, I have been working with Poison Ivy to get some things up and running. We are also working on getting a super secret project published and have the proceed be donated. Our goal is to have everything up and running this year and though it will take a lot of work I am sure we are going to make process eventually. 

Though I must go and disconnect I will finish updating soon.

Love Yall

~Poppet 

Lungs and Procedures

Its been a long week, and on my appointment to get cleared for my procedure based on my peak flows my lungs wont fully survivor their next full lung infection. I have mild chronic ones with my CF but my lungs have decreased again. I am doing everything with in my power to keep them going but my disease has taking a toll. Its heart breaking to here this. I am 30, I have my entire life to live but I feel like I am slowly losing this battle.

Before I went in for this appointment I knew my lungs weren't great. I am constantly short of breath and its evident. I do what I can with yoga, I eat a healthy diet, I meditate, and I take all my meds as prescribed. Yet I am sitting here telling you my lungs aren't great. And it sucks. Its heart wrenching but we knew this day was coming but since everything going on was a bit more needed we have to wait. We have to wait until my body is fully healed so we can get an accurate reading. I try to keep it together, I try to be strong for everyone around, but after my procedure all the drugs I was on. I cried for the rest of the night until I fell asleep.

I made a promise a long time ago to Poison Ivy she wouldn't have to go thru life with out me but here I am praying once again I can come back from this. Can I come back from another drop in lung function?? Can I come back from all this. Though my yoga keeps me at a decent steady number its not gonna be a forever fix. And the look I get when I told her Wonder Woman this, the text I get from the All Father, the defeat in peoples voices. Its so hard not to break myself. Its so hard not to let my emotions gets the best of me.

We know this day is gonna come, we know transplant is inevitable, but the sadness it brings people just breaks my heart. But yet I fight. I fight to push it off, I fight for another day, and some days I lay in bed and just fight for a next moment.

It has been such a rough week that Rubes the Cat sat next to me, put her nose to lips and licked my nosed to tell me it was ok. As I lay here recovering, and fighting to feel better. I get a text that my favorite pup is clean for my next visit and here I am fighting for my next moment. Or just a moment to not cough thru a game. Just a moment.

The only thing I can tell you is this. Fight. Fight with everything in you, fight with me and fight for me.  If you are going thru this in your own way fight just like this. Do not give up. You can break but you can not give up. Find a reason in side you for you to keep pushing on. To keep fighting. Find whatever it is within you to take a step forward each day. Love yourself and embrace your ups and downs.

Love Yall
~Poppet