Theres been a lot going on and it doesn't stop any time soon, at all. I need to get my iron infusion, a lot of my levels are low, my lungs are poor, and im just exhausted. Then the guilt just eats away at you little by little. I know I am the reason for many of tears and the things that stick with you are awful. Seeing the one person who you depend on turn their back and just cry so you cant see them while your fighting for your next breath will break even the strongest person.
Since Christmas, we had procedure that took me out for a week and im still healing from, we had an emergency scan done, now we need iron, my PFs are super low and we need PFTs and its getting to the point we can not fight off the inevitable. We might need to start our journey. The one that everyone wants to embrace but at the exact same time we one to push off. Remember the last post when I said I am human to?? Well today I broke.
I couldn't hold back the tears anymore so after just staring at the screen and storming off and my friend knowing im just not ok I just broke. I right this with watery eyes. Im not the strong person people think I am. I am terrified of whats to come. My lungs are so weak, my levels are low, and I see the sadness I leave in peoples eyes and I break. You hear " you have one more infection left in your lungs" and you smile and say "CF messed with the wrong girl." You hear "have you gotten a blood transfusion your levels are quite low we need to get you iron soon." You smile and say we got this. And then your alone and everything adds up and you break.
How much can one person take?? Who knows. But how much can a person who is chronically ill take?? Hell of a lot that people simply dont understand. You say oh its just some iron. I have a flash back of the last infusion where my face swelled and I am took sick to move. I smile and say "go ahead and schedule it." I assure people all the time that im ok and I got it. But what about when I dont?? What about the times I feel weak and broken?? The guilt builds and you ask "what have I done to my family."
This is when I need someone to be strong for me. This is when I need someone to remind me that I can indeed do this and come out the other side. My reality is harsh. My life expectancy is 32. Im 30, we need to do PFTs and regroup. So today I broke. Today I cried while staring at a game screen talking to one of my favorite people. Who just listened to me cry while I explained all this in greater detail. Then the sweet poison ivy showed me a video of a fellow CFer taking her first breath with her new lungs and reminded me why I fought so hard. Today has been filled with tears, lots of them, and this journey is gonna get much harder from here and I am so incredibly thankful for the people who stand by because they love the girl behind the disease.
Love Yall
~Poppet
Since Christmas, we had procedure that took me out for a week and im still healing from, we had an emergency scan done, now we need iron, my PFs are super low and we need PFTs and its getting to the point we can not fight off the inevitable. We might need to start our journey. The one that everyone wants to embrace but at the exact same time we one to push off. Remember the last post when I said I am human to?? Well today I broke.
I couldn't hold back the tears anymore so after just staring at the screen and storming off and my friend knowing im just not ok I just broke. I right this with watery eyes. Im not the strong person people think I am. I am terrified of whats to come. My lungs are so weak, my levels are low, and I see the sadness I leave in peoples eyes and I break. You hear " you have one more infection left in your lungs" and you smile and say "CF messed with the wrong girl." You hear "have you gotten a blood transfusion your levels are quite low we need to get you iron soon." You smile and say we got this. And then your alone and everything adds up and you break.
How much can one person take?? Who knows. But how much can a person who is chronically ill take?? Hell of a lot that people simply dont understand. You say oh its just some iron. I have a flash back of the last infusion where my face swelled and I am took sick to move. I smile and say "go ahead and schedule it." I assure people all the time that im ok and I got it. But what about when I dont?? What about the times I feel weak and broken?? The guilt builds and you ask "what have I done to my family."
This is when I need someone to be strong for me. This is when I need someone to remind me that I can indeed do this and come out the other side. My reality is harsh. My life expectancy is 32. Im 30, we need to do PFTs and regroup. So today I broke. Today I cried while staring at a game screen talking to one of my favorite people. Who just listened to me cry while I explained all this in greater detail. Then the sweet poison ivy showed me a video of a fellow CFer taking her first breath with her new lungs and reminded me why I fought so hard. Today has been filled with tears, lots of them, and this journey is gonna get much harder from here and I am so incredibly thankful for the people who stand by because they love the girl behind the disease.
Love Yall
~Poppet
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