My lungs aren't doing great. Its what no one wants to hear, its what no one wants to face, but here I am. My lungs aren't great. I just hugged Rubes crying. while venting to Wonder Woman, after I had to frantically grab a bunch of meds with out letting my team down. Dont ask thats just how my brain works. I was slowly losing my breath, I was dizzy, and I could not get enough air into my lungs. I wanted to finish my game but I needed meds. So grabbing as frantically as I could to finish and close out my game. For a few hours of me working on my lungs.
This is a reality. This is my reality. My peak flows are low, im oxygen is up, and im just exhausted. This is not fair but its a reality I have to accept. What if my lungs are just getting to that point?? What if we need to start that process?? And my heart just breaks. What is this doing to family?? What about everything I want to do with my life?? And yet I just cry and hug Rubes the Cat cry into her fur and make my lungs worse but cleanse my soul.
This isn't an ideal life but this is my life, and somehow I have to make the best of it and thats what I try to do. I have goals and aspirations in m life, and as I speak between breaths, eat between breaths, I close my eyes and remember that just the day before while getting ready I told a complete stranger on the other side of the phone "I have an amazing life please don't be sorry." Why?? Because I do, but I am human and sometimes my reality for that moment just sucks. The reality of your lungs slowly going down hill and gasping for air is frighting, and the look of worry and sadness on your loved ones face just rips you to pieces. This is just a part of my life. Every life has tears and joys this is just mine.
My reality is harsh. Some of my wants are so trivial. Like working for a bow that shoots unicorns and rainbows (I am so not joking). While making the person who helps me do all this question every ounce of my sanity with the things I do. Me elaborate makeup and need for more is trivial and the most beautiful knife I ever seen that I must have is trivial. But what isn't trivial is my deep will to live and makes changes with in my community. I want to live to make food allergies just a normal thing with in hospital and not a nurse going "can some one just bring you food." I want to bring humanization back to being a patient. I am not just the girl with CF. I am not the girl with POTS. I am a soul that wants to be home rocking a cat in my arms because oh how cute she is. I am soul that loves to feed people. But to them I am just CF, I am just POTS. I am not me. I want to take away the stigma of being disabled. I want to change the world. And I am going to. I am going to change this world. I am going to survive this life in some way.
Today?? I cry, squeeze the cat, and take a deep breath... Not take deep breath cause well I can't, but focus on my breath and close my eyes and center myself. Remind my self why I fought so hard to get to this life. Why I fought to get to this moment, and then from there go back to fighting with everything in me.
You only have one life, and its up to you to make the best of what ever situation you were dealt.
Love Y'all
~Poppet
This is a reality. This is my reality. My peak flows are low, im oxygen is up, and im just exhausted. This is not fair but its a reality I have to accept. What if my lungs are just getting to that point?? What if we need to start that process?? And my heart just breaks. What is this doing to family?? What about everything I want to do with my life?? And yet I just cry and hug Rubes the Cat cry into her fur and make my lungs worse but cleanse my soul.
This isn't an ideal life but this is my life, and somehow I have to make the best of it and thats what I try to do. I have goals and aspirations in m life, and as I speak between breaths, eat between breaths, I close my eyes and remember that just the day before while getting ready I told a complete stranger on the other side of the phone "I have an amazing life please don't be sorry." Why?? Because I do, but I am human and sometimes my reality for that moment just sucks. The reality of your lungs slowly going down hill and gasping for air is frighting, and the look of worry and sadness on your loved ones face just rips you to pieces. This is just a part of my life. Every life has tears and joys this is just mine.
My reality is harsh. Some of my wants are so trivial. Like working for a bow that shoots unicorns and rainbows (I am so not joking). While making the person who helps me do all this question every ounce of my sanity with the things I do. Me elaborate makeup and need for more is trivial and the most beautiful knife I ever seen that I must have is trivial. But what isn't trivial is my deep will to live and makes changes with in my community. I want to live to make food allergies just a normal thing with in hospital and not a nurse going "can some one just bring you food." I want to bring humanization back to being a patient. I am not just the girl with CF. I am not the girl with POTS. I am a soul that wants to be home rocking a cat in my arms because oh how cute she is. I am soul that loves to feed people. But to them I am just CF, I am just POTS. I am not me. I want to take away the stigma of being disabled. I want to change the world. And I am going to. I am going to change this world. I am going to survive this life in some way.
Today?? I cry, squeeze the cat, and take a deep breath... Not take deep breath cause well I can't, but focus on my breath and close my eyes and center myself. Remind my self why I fought so hard to get to this life. Why I fought to get to this moment, and then from there go back to fighting with everything in me.
You only have one life, and its up to you to make the best of what ever situation you were dealt.
Love Y'all
~Poppet
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