funeral

Yesterday was the funeral, it was with estranged family, that had no idea that I was on oxygen or had an IV in my chest. Not that it should matter but some were visibly taking a back by my appearance. Some of the family new that I have always been the goth girl and I didn't "grow out of it" tho I picked out the nicest clothes I had for 90 degree weather, tho part of my sleeve was showing, but you know I got thru most of this ok. I learned catholic funerals are beautiful. I learned that my long lost aunts husbands remember m fascination with black squirrels. Ok no they really exist go google them. I love them!! There jet black. I had been talk to that aunt on FB the last two days and thanked her for being there for said person while he passed and I was glad he was at peace because I know how painful lung disease and infections can be.

I was ok until a point and I'm not sure how much I want to say on this. But the person that died put me and my family thru hell. HELL. I didn't want anything to do with him. I sorta knew some of this health stuff was going on a year ago when a nurse reached out to my me thru Grandma. I had texted the All Father who told me, make sure your making a decision you can life with not one based off emotions. This is solid life advice. Take a step back and make a decision not based off emotions. A lot of this stuff that was said thru the nurse was so hard to hear and so hard to believe because they weren't seeing the other side of it. And my visible sobbing didn't stop the comments and conversation. I also saw an uncle that told me he would make sure me and my brother were taking care of, I asked him kindly please just take care of my brother do not worry about me and if he needed any help from me and Wonder Woman we are phone call away and we will do what he can to help us. If you know me personally I am sure you can guess who died.

I was promptly removed from the situation and my family that went with me came over and helped me sort some of my emotions. And we all will come together to support my brother and what he needs. I was also texting the All Father and he said this to me. If you experience a flux of emotion use them as a learning experience to grow in light, everything we experience makes us better.

Love Y'all
~Poppet

Emotions

This is just gonna be an emotional jumble session, this is no way health related. I was sitting in bed earlier nose in my book that Ive almost knocked out in a week and my Grandma comes in and tells me someone wanted to talk to me and it was up to me what to say, on a whim I said ok. She didn't recognize my voice but I knew hers. I worked well volunteered at the hospital with her years back. I wasn't even 16. She told me Kens dead. I still won't give to much info about him. Whether its to protect me or him I don't know. He's my brothers dad though and our history was hell. I knew he was sick and my family as you know from last blog made a choice to say no on my behalf and never said other wise out of choice. She was pooring her heart out to me as I just sobbed on the phone. My lungs still hurt and my eyes burn with tears. And it hurt so bad to hear how much he said he loved me. When the last thing I ever heard was how much he never wanted me because I have been sick me entire life.

All of the emotions and all the hell I have been thru with him is still so raw all these years later, I cry for myself out of loss and all these memories. The worry for my brother, the split decision to go to a funeral with estranged family that barely know and not even sure what they think of me. I really hope the said nurse I was talking to earlier is going to be there because I know she'll support me. I have her reaching out to family for me.

I guess I need to get off of here tho and try to sleep take some Benadryl even to keep the puffiness in my face down?? I don't know.

Love yall
~POppet 

Life

Yesterday I was faced with the realization that some in my family that I haven't seen in years is dying. Well he's in the ICU with pneumonia and cancer, he's refusing a vent, and all family has been called. So this is sorta more my brothers family then mine but at the end of the day I will make my self available for him. Heres where all this gets sticky and I have no idea why I am put this on my blog tho few of you know who I really am. But here we go.

So this person has made my life hell until I got away from him and just found its OK to cut ties with people who do not belong in your life. He tore me down at every chance and just always told me I was just to sick to be in their life. Which this way before my lungs were even at the state they are now. One of his friends called my Grandma and asked if I wanted to come see said person, and she and Wonder Woman both quickly declined on my behalf and then told me about this. Which I mean they weren't wrong to do so. I texted the All Father then and yesterday as well and he always encourages me to make the right decision whatever I feel in my soul is right. Not what my emotions are telling me to do. I did end up declining and yesterday to. Its such a strange awful situation but its something I feel in my heart is right.

I had already made plans to game with Spider Maker which sorta got some tears yesterday, because my heart breaks for my brother. He also knows more in-depth into all this cause Im leaving a lot of details out of this and assures me I need to do what's right for me. You see emotions have an effect on your health. You have to do what is right for yo, you have to do what's best for your soul. I think the best advice I have been giving on this is to close yours eyes, put your hands over your heart, take a deep breath and the first thought its how you feel. Ok so this may go hand in hand with my meditation practice but its helped me a lot over the years.

I forgave this person a long time ago, I didn't want to carry that hurt and sadness with me. Life can hand you a lot of things but its how we grow from that. We can let our past and people hardening us or we can forgive and let go. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. You don't need to contact them or let them know but its so important that you find forgiveness in your heart.

Life is hard, its short, its wonderful, its amazing, and its beautiful. Find what moves your soul and allows peace and happiness to be present

Love Y'all
~Poppet

Small update

I haven't updated this in awhile, more so because nothing really has been going on. I have been trying to knock out a bunch of cross stitch so I can just enjoy the week with Wonder Woman. I have one the last thing to order for halloween but I think all is set for that day. Yellow blush from NYX in matte and shimmer it'll complete the look. I got the hardest cross stitch done tho, it was one stitch here and there for hours on end. I can't post them yet as the All Father might read this and he does have access to social media but I am so proud of how that came out. Id love to make a living off doing cross stitch cause I do enjoy it. The All Father loves hand made gifts too.

Other then that I have been gaming with my friend a bit, I got a text early this week that the game we had been talking about was super on sale and that it was in my steam inbox. Oh my gosh. This game is HARD Three hours and three classes later I got thru the boss, but we have been co-oping the game to help me because its a tough game to get thru. Like one hit bosses and the only strategy that exist is dodging. Thats it.

As for my health, its been OKish. I had a small lung infection recently after a week of rain and then we got hit by a hurricane. It sorta skirted around us but it still had an effect on my lungs. I could barely breathe and eat at the same time but we all expected that to happen. My lung typically do not handle weather like that at all. This week its a full moon which has an effect on my POTS so its good I've been gaming this week, I did yoga yesterday and struggled thru it. But other wise I've been doing ok.Yes its ok is you struggle thru things you typically don't. Its ok if some days its hard to get thru simple task what matters is that you do it. It doesn't matter how long it takes it, the end result is what matters. The feeling of accomplishment is wonderful. I would love a good work out but even the smalls ones matter.

But I must get off here and finish breathing treatment and chest pt. Gotta keep theses lungs clear and the mucus thin.

Love Yall
~Poppet