I just looked at my calendar and its 2 days until Christmas Eve and 3 days until Christmas. I am not ready. I am not a fan of Christmas for many many reason. I can be your classic scrooge but with an attitude of how can I make peoples lives easier. I am not ready. I am exhausted, and I have a pile of presents next to me that need framed, and wrapped. I can't explain what I have here because I do not know who reads this.
So far this I got to see Santie Clause with the All Father which I love to do. Its something I look forward to. I look forward to giving people presents. I just can't deal with people who come around once a year and give me looks of pity because they have no idea what my daily life is like. They just see me once year and see how my health has progressed. Im also sitting here exhausted trying to gain an once of energy to just do something.
I broke down yesterday because we had to do an emergency ultra sound of my line. Thinking of all worse case scenarios, thinking of ruining everyones holiday, and possibly no more tattoos. I just broke. While I was at the ER I was in the room I almost died in and that didn't work out well either. My nerves were shot, my emotions were shot, and the sound of Wonder Woman voice breaking holding back tears makes me cry to this day. I think of the most trivial things and take selfies or play on my phone to destract myself from such a harsh and brutal reality. While my warriors think of worse case scenarios. Now that I am here crying for them.
So often in life we focus on something trivial to distract us from the real issues at hand. I do it all the time, I choose to live in the moment because things can be taking away so instantly. We were potentially preparing to have Christmas in the hospital to me texting the All Father right after he was done praying that I just have nerve issues in my arm. We are not sure why. Well we have are guess but the reality is we just don't know. There are so many things in our my life that we can't predict, there are so many what ifs we have in life, and we just distract our selves so we don't think.
I remind me people close to me all the time. I am ok, don't worry to much. But its easier said then done. I get it. Though a certain amount of worry is ok, which is why I say "don't worry to much," but we can't let it over whelm and break us. We can spend so much time worrying about that what ifs the we forget to be in the moment. We forget to take advantage of the here and now. We our in a season where we are so over whelmed with things that need to be done, that we forget what is important. We forget that we need to be present in a moment. We need to be with the people we love.
No this isn't just some holiday realizition. I have been saying this for a long time. Living with a terminal illness makes this very real for me daily. I can't predicts my health, or what my life has in store. But in this very moment I can say though I am exhausted I am here. I am surrounded by people who love and don't care where I am at or if I am put together. They love for who I am.
Yes I have presents that need framed and wrapped. No I havent finished shopping, but right now my body needs some TLC and today thats what I am going to do. I am going to be present, I'm going to dry my tears and rest my arm as much as I can. And I just might ask Wonder Woman for some help framing things.
I love Yall
~Poppet.
So far this I got to see Santie Clause with the All Father which I love to do. Its something I look forward to. I look forward to giving people presents. I just can't deal with people who come around once a year and give me looks of pity because they have no idea what my daily life is like. They just see me once year and see how my health has progressed. Im also sitting here exhausted trying to gain an once of energy to just do something.
I broke down yesterday because we had to do an emergency ultra sound of my line. Thinking of all worse case scenarios, thinking of ruining everyones holiday, and possibly no more tattoos. I just broke. While I was at the ER I was in the room I almost died in and that didn't work out well either. My nerves were shot, my emotions were shot, and the sound of Wonder Woman voice breaking holding back tears makes me cry to this day. I think of the most trivial things and take selfies or play on my phone to destract myself from such a harsh and brutal reality. While my warriors think of worse case scenarios. Now that I am here crying for them.
So often in life we focus on something trivial to distract us from the real issues at hand. I do it all the time, I choose to live in the moment because things can be taking away so instantly. We were potentially preparing to have Christmas in the hospital to me texting the All Father right after he was done praying that I just have nerve issues in my arm. We are not sure why. Well we have are guess but the reality is we just don't know. There are so many things in our my life that we can't predict, there are so many what ifs we have in life, and we just distract our selves so we don't think.
I remind me people close to me all the time. I am ok, don't worry to much. But its easier said then done. I get it. Though a certain amount of worry is ok, which is why I say "don't worry to much," but we can't let it over whelm and break us. We can spend so much time worrying about that what ifs the we forget to be in the moment. We forget to take advantage of the here and now. We our in a season where we are so over whelmed with things that need to be done, that we forget what is important. We forget that we need to be present in a moment. We need to be with the people we love.
No this isn't just some holiday realizition. I have been saying this for a long time. Living with a terminal illness makes this very real for me daily. I can't predicts my health, or what my life has in store. But in this very moment I can say though I am exhausted I am here. I am surrounded by people who love and don't care where I am at or if I am put together. They love for who I am.
Yes I have presents that need framed and wrapped. No I havent finished shopping, but right now my body needs some TLC and today thats what I am going to do. I am going to be present, I'm going to dry my tears and rest my arm as much as I can. And I just might ask Wonder Woman for some help framing things.
I love Yall
~Poppet.
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