lungs

My lungs are a bit rough. I am sitting here in bed waiting to do treatment with really high oxygen blowing into my nose, between coughing fits and being short of breath. Saturday morning I was very symptomatic and by noon I had taking 4 grams of salt, got myself together, and went off for pizza. My lungs had no give in them and I was struggling to get to the table. Id tell you its day in the life but usually thats a sign of something deeper going on. Sunday I was coughing so bad that Wonder Woman got out of bed to check on me, I somehow made it to her tattoo appointment with a frequent cough. Come Tuesday I am coughing and wheezing and getting rounds of chest PT and calling Superman. This isn't good, probably just a seasonal infection.

I am still waiting to here back from someone between being frustrated and exhausted I asked Wonder Woman about my biggest fear. What is my lungs are failing?? It couldn't come on that fast could it?? She told me it could and with CF anything is possible. My heart broke. Every time I get in these situations with my lung infections I always fear the worse, what if my lungs are failing?? Why out of no where did my lungs take a sudden turn for the worse?? Why did I just wake up Saturday morning being overly symptomatic sitting on the floor to take a good pic of my makeup because walking get steps to my chair wasn't enough. 

This is what constantly goes thru my head when I am not feeling good. Sometimes my head is a scary place to be. I have such a love and passion for life. This disease seems like it constantly holds me back, constantly shoves me down, and just takes everything out of me. I fight for some sort of normalcy. I fight for just a simple non forced breath. I just want to be able to walk Rubes into the vet with out effort, I want to paint my face with out oxygen, I want my nervous habit to not pushing my oxygen up with my lip. But my reality isn't that. Its harsh, brutal, and just down right devastating. 

I have come to accept my life as it is. But it doesn't make living this life with these lungs easier. I am so tired of explaining to people my brutal reality. To just here "stay positive." Behind all you see and between me venting I am positive, I have a lot of hope in this world, and I have things that I truly love and people I truly love. They are more then enough reason to keep pushing and fighting. But no one sees the brutal reality I face unless they truly listen and truly know me. Im a fighter and will stand my ground, and I will cry, break down and scream. Which is ok. Whats not OK is giving up. We do not ever give up. We stand. We fight. And we will never back down. 

I was giving a hard path in life, and I'm OK with that, some people were give the path to share this life with me and they are true angels. I always call them my warriors because my life isn't for the faint of heart. And I fight with everything in me, and they fight with everything in them for me. We fight together. 

Love Yall

~Poppet