What you think, you create

Guilt, it comes a lot when dealing with a chronic illness, it can be quite an overwhelming feeling. It can come a lot when your dealing with this weird world. You feel like your a burden to those you love. But what if for a minute we just took a moment to step back and just say "I accept that I am feeling this but I choose gratitude."

A lot has hit at once, Rubes' granuloma is back so we need to get her treated, my birthday is coming up, and with the rain my lungs are in a very bad spot where I am spending a lot of time just trying to catch my breath. I take all these meds that make me quite emotional and my poor friend who talks to me the most gets the blunt end of it. The All Father and Frigga my spiritual guides thru this life always remind me, what we think we create. Sometimes it means just simply accepting that you feel this negative emotion but not act on it. Its so easy to just let those feelings eat you up and just break down but its a whole different world to accept your emotions and step back. For me its taking a deep breath and put my head in my blanket and just letting go. And the reminding myself that I have a choice.

The amount of energy and support in many different ways that goes into keeping someone with a terrible illness a live can make you feel like a burden. We've all been there, and its OK to cry and express this. After that take a moment to say what you are thankful for. Though its different for all of us, I can easily say I am thankful for my incredible support team and the sacrifices they CHOOSE to make to see me live the life I want. You see they also have a choice in this. They make a choice to stand by us even though it could be the hardest thing they ever did but their love surpass that. They love us enough to carry that weight, and thats such a blessing to have someone love you enough to take on that roll.

Frigga one day introduced me to Mala Bracelets and mantras. They are a form of meditation and we can speak these words into each bead (108) and that energy you create is in those beads, and its such a good reminder every time you wear it that you spoke those words. My persoanlly is "I love. I accept, I forgive. I am present." Those for words truly help me when me emotions (steroids) get the best of me.

Love has centered me many times over, whether its a simple text, or someonebringing me coffee in bed so I can have a moment before I start the rough morning of IVs and clearing the lungs. I accept that this is the life I was giving, I accept that I was giving these people to guide me, I accept the emotions that come when I least expect it and its truly ok to feel that way. I forgive. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. I forgive myself for beating me up and tearing me down, I forgive people who dont understand, I forgive moments of frustration. And I am present. I am alive, I am breathing, and whatever I am doing, wherever I am at, who ever I am with, I am present in that moment.  The phone can wait, technology can wait and that current moment is where I need to be.

Many times over this has helped center me and remind that guilt is a very real emotion that can come up, I have the choice to act on it. Yes sometimes I do, but then I remind myself I have such a beautiful and wonderful life. I am so loved, and I love back. Thats truly makes this life worth it.

Love Y'all
~Poppet 

Food Allergy Awareness Week

Two post back to back?? What is this?? Well I have no idea what my week is going to look like so I figured I'd just go ahead and post this.

On top of everything else I deal with, food allergies is just one of the minor things, because this is something I typically have control of. On top of that I am a Chef and I am fully in control of what I cook but this does not mean accidents do not happen, and an accident almost took my life. I have no idea what happened that day to cause such a severe reaction but I remember a few things of that night. Like Wonder Woman crying in a corner because she though that was the last night with me.

Whats horrid about all this is that moment could have been prevented. That reaction happened in my house. It happened with my pots and pan. And I have eaten the entire meal since. Something touched my cooking equipment. Cross Contamination is a very serious thing with in the community and its something thats over looked. It happened in my own home. This is when my OCD got bad. We redid my entire kitchen (im not mad at this I now have a Caphlon set). Im very selective of who touches my food, who works with my food, and who I eat out with. Why?? I actually had a barista look at my weight and give me a mocha because she though I truly wanted that mocha over what I had ordered. This was on a mothers day as well. Can y'all take a moment to realize what Wonder Woman goes thru?? Yes a prayer for her cause lord knows she needs it. I have the mind set of nothing can stop me this is my life and all the things that have tried to kill me??

Food Allergies are just a minor part of my life, but they can kill me quicker then my CF. I have spent count less hours advocating for myself and the food allergy community, on a medical level and a personal level. I taught nurse students the importance of all this and explain the day I almost died in detail to them so they truly understand how this affects people. I also had a Chef come to me in the ICU and just throw down his credentials and its like really?? Im a Chef to now what are we gonna do to fix this situation?? I dont ever remember anything happening about all this but my soul goal in life is to make hospitals a safe place for people with food allergies because I assure you it is not. If you read my last post already one of the many reasons I want new lungs.

Most allergic reaction are preventable, and a lot of the times people die because we are hesitant to react. Whether its denial or lack of knowledge. Both can be fixed ands its up to us to fix it. If you so much as suspect your reacting to something do not hesitate to treat it. Do not hesitate to go in. Advocate for your friends, be a voice when they are quiet and shy. Explain in detail what the allergies are, and if you ever second guess if your food is safe, do not eat it. Your life matters, you matter. Always take it seriously when someone says they have a food allergy, do not try to trigger it. You can take someones life.

Its been a week of celebrating our nurses, bringing awareness to CF, and food allergies. Go a hug a nurse and thank for the selfless act of love they give to us.

Love Yall
~Poppet 

:-)

Its Cystic Fibrosis awareness month, and this disease dominates my life. I mean its to the point I get on Skype and no one thinks twice about the coughing and clearing until it gets into full on coughing fits. Its also just doing neb treatments mid games. Yes I play a lot of video games, its an escape from the seriousness of my life.

What no one ever really see's is the contest fight to stay out of the hospital, the hours of treatments and ll the chest PT that comes with this not to mention a lot of pills. My lungs are not in a great place at we our constantly monitoring them. Superman predicted 32 as the age my lungs will need swapped out and sadly we are right on track. No one ever wants to here that but this is just part of my reality. Though I dont let this stop me, I refuse to allow that age to be a deadline of sorts. It was almost as if I was accepting a challenge to prove him wrong. Not long after I was told this and the topic of transplant came up, a good friend of the families told me, when you come to this road make sure your reason to live with is not so your family does not feel loss, dont do this for your family. Find a reason to do it for you.

So my journey started, a journey of self love, and what I am truly fighting for. Some days its trivial. Like um its ranked season I cant be in the hospital. To I want change. I go in to the hospital and met with "cant your parents bring you something to eat your diet is complicated." I get treated as if I know nothing about my disease and my life until Wonder Woman pops in and there like oh!! Now we get it. I want to be a published Chef (working on this) and I want fully master yoga and Qi Gong. I want this to be allowed in hospitals. I want people to understand the importance of meditation, and how all this has helped me improve my health.

Every single morning you will find me with my oxygen on in the sunroom doing yoga, or well fighting a Rubes for my yoga mat so I can do yoga. You see me cooking dinner practicing Qi Gong which helps me focus on my breathing. You see Cystic Fibrosis isn't just I need to clear my lungs. Its I need to get oxygen in them, I need to eat a healthy high calorie low fat meal, I need to keep my body strong and healthy so when the time comes I can accept my new lungs into my life. Yes most days I cant stop coughing but I still try. I will never allow CF to be a reason I stop. Its just not a good enough excuse to put my life on pause. Its the reason I keep pushing forward. Its the reason I am who I am.

While I am working on keeping my body at top shape, I also need to keep my mind clear and focused. Some days its hard. You see my past post with the tears because I do not always feel strong. But its absolutely OK to cry, as long as your not giving up. This disease can take a toll, it can be a heart breaking experience but its also a blessing is disguise. It has taught me so much about life, and how precious time is. It tough me that sometimes the best thing you can do is lay on your yoga mat with a kitten and just love her. Be present, be open, and just love. Life is way to short for anything else.

Love Y'all
~Poppet