Emotions

 Before I start this. Mr A I assure you I am ok.  Just some emotions popped up recently.

I think what people do not understand when it comes to chronic illnesses is they just sometimes break you. The thought of my line not working correctly and needing it potentially replaced just left me in a moment of tears. From the outside espically with me I look like I have all this handled. and usually I do. But certain things that you go thru just leave you with trauma. Tunneled lines are brutal. They are just plain brutal. The entire procedure then a month of pain and healing. I remember all the pain I had and I was trying to explain to J, the ins and outs of placement. The procedures to go into and such. And I just cried. 

Admittedly I have family drama making me emotional to. But there are certain things that stay with you. Yeah I am heavily tattooed and yes they hurt. But medical stuff is a different kind of pain, and then you have humans involved that aren't always nice. I remember fighting two different medical professionals with the steps, I remember the time in the ER, I remember so much and at the same time it seems like none at all because yay good meds!!

The thing is tho from the outside looking in, we tend to look strong and that we got this handled. And yes most days we probably do. A lot of this is a routine. Even Rubes knows. Nebs turned off is time for yogurt!! You get into this routine and everything is fine and dandy. Then all at once things hit you and you realize how different your life is. You talk about medical procedures in detail, you explain the constant pain your in, and it hits you. This life is down right hard. No one wants to go thru medical procedures and you tend to just take it as normal. You tell medical professionals in a serious manner if I went to the ER every time I had chest pain I'd never leave. A heart rate of 120 we don't even blink at. Coughing and clearing is normal. Waking up with pain in your lungs is normal. But at the same time it all gets to much. 

I have no issues explaining any of this to anyone, especially people in my circle and will take the time to do so. Sometimes its thru tears and sometimes its just an average conversation. I encourage people to ask me questions to comprehend my disease. But I am not brave to be living this life. I am living the only life I know how to. I think the people who understand the most tho are the ones who are chronically ill, they know that out of nowhere the emotions of being sick all the time, and having constant worries especially in this modern day world can just get to much.

Wonder Woman had covid recently. Symptom free, but the night before we found out she was close to me. So her first reaction was me. Which breaks my heart. She should have been thinking of so much more. After a hard week then of breathing issues she told me point blank, the nurses at work are right, you have CF you would show lung symptoms. Then all this catches up to you. The worries, the how different your life truly is, how fragile the balance of good health is. Not being able to get sentimental items from a house because you could just get yourself sick because of its condition. Walking away and choosing to fight for your health over and over again. Thats what its like being chronically ill. Making a choice daily no matter how badly it hurts emotionally to put your health first.

I have and will do what I can to choose my health and make sure I am able to be there for the people I love. I just got part of my family back and its means so much to me. I will continue to fight to stay healthy. I need my people as much as they need me. 

But I must go eat something.

Love Yall

~Poppet